5 things to consider before the mom guilt kicks in

These questions may help lessen mom guilt.

By Vivian Nunez

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Parenting is hard. You’re managing your feelings while balancing those of a child or children. You’re orchestrating drop-offs, classes, and making sure everyone is hitting the milestones they have to. You’re doing such a great job, and yet, there are still moments at the end of the day when that voice creeps in and becomes the loudest in the room, the one that says you should be doing more, doing better, or doing more faster. That’s mom guilt.

Mom guilt is an unwelcome visitor, and you can’t always control when or how it shows up. But, for all you can’t control, there are a few things you can do to deal with mom guilt.

The answers to the questions below can remind you that you are doing a great job the next time mom guilt tries to convince you of the opposite.

Here are 5 things to consider before the mom guilt moves in.

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Do I know what my parenting rules are?

Parenting rules are exactly what they sound like — a set of rules or guidelines you use to guide your parenting. Some rules may be unspoken, while others may be more explicit. Since breaking any kind of parenting rule can lead to feelings of guilt, answering this question can help you have a better understanding of what your parenting rules are in the first place.

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Have I set realistic expectations for myself and my family?

Similar to parenting rules, understanding the expectations you are placing on yourself and your children can help you show mom guilt the door before it has time to settle in. You want to make sure your expectations aren’t just manageable but also rooted in kindness and self-compassion.

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Do I have a self-care habit I can turn to if the mom guilt kicks in?

We’ve said it before, and we’ll say it again — mom guilt shows up sometimes whether you want it to or not. On the days when it does creep into your internal dialogue, turn to some of the self-care habits or routines that help you feel better about yourself, especially who you are as a parent.

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Do I have someone I can turn to for encouragement?

You may be your child’s number one hero, but you don’t always have to be your own hero, too! Jot down a list of kind, loving, and supportive humans in your life who you can turn to whenever you’re feeling especially stretched thin because parenting is hard. They may be able to do for you in those moments what you don’t have the bandwidth to do for yourself.

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Am I hungry, angry, lonely, tired, or stressed?

Last but definitely not least, try to H.A.L.T.(S.). This helpful acronym stands for “hungry, angry, lonely, tired, or stressed,” and it’s a good question to ask yourself if it feels like you are drowning in your mom guilt. Sometimes, it isn’t about parenting your kids but about parenting yourself and meeting your most basic needs.

No matter how loud or how present mom guilt feels, just remember that there are resources you can turn to for support — our Calm Health's Support for Mothers & Caregivers module is one example!

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Calm Health is not intended to diagnose or treat depression, anxiety, or any other mental or physical health condition. The use of Calm Health is not a substitute for care by a physician or other health care provider. Any questions that you may have regarding the diagnosis, care, or treatment of a health condition should be directed to your physician or health care provider. Calm Health is a mental wellness product.