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Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, CDCES, MBA
By Kells McPhillips
As of 2022, about five percent of adults below the age of 30 are nonbinary or transgender, according to Pew Research Center. For many teens whose gender differs from the sex they were assigned at birth, “coming out” to parents is an essential step to feeling accepted and supported during this time. So when your teen approaches you and shares this information, know that—right this minute—they’re asking you to show up and advocate for them.
Nonbinary is a broad term used to describe people whose gender identity or gender expression does not align with the binary genders (man or woman). An individual who is nonbinary may or may not consider themselves transgender. And since nonbinary is a broad word that encompasses many experiences, it’s important not to make assumptions when you’re talking to a nonbinary teen.
Oftentimes, letting their families know that they are nonbinary or “enby” comes with a flood of emotions, according to Kathleen Jones, LCSW, an LGBT-informed therapist in the Reflect therapy network. “Nonbinary teens often fear rejection from peers, family members, or society. It can feel daunting to be one's true self around other family members, particularly those who may be older or who may not understand,” says Jones.
At the same time, sharing that they’re nonbinary may also feel freeing and exciting to a teen. “There's also sometimes pride and excitement for youth who find an identity that feels right—especially if they can find peers or safe spaces where they can feel celebrated and allowed to be their true selves,” says Jones.
As the parent of a nonbinary child, celebrating their individuality and personhood is tantamount to being there for them. However, it’s also important to connect your teen with the resources that they can turn to in a crisis.
Research shows that transgender and nonbinary youth may be more likely to be diagnosed with mental health conditions, including depressive disorders, and they may also be more likely to have a history of self-harm. If you feel that your teen needs immediate mental health assistance, tell them about The Trevor Project’s 24/7 crisis hotline, which allows youth to chat, text, or talk on the phone with a trained LGBTQ-informed counselor. Dial 988 to reach the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.
When your teens sit you down to tell you their truth, make sure you tell them how much you love them. This can be something as simple as “I love you. I will always love you. That will never change.” Speak from the heart and ground the conversation in unconditional support before you go on.
While some nonbinary teens may want to share every last detail of their experience, others may ask their parents to conduct their own research on nonbinary allyship. Educating yourself may look like scouring online resources like PFLAG, the Human Rights Campaign, or The Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD).
You may also consider attending a local support group for families with LGBTQ+ teens or reading books on the subject of nonbinary experiences and rights. Jones says that a book called The Transgender Teen proved especially useful after her teen came out as nonbinary.
If you have specific questions for your nonbinary child, ask them if they’re open to sharing their experience rather than interrogating them. Chances are that they’re still making sense of everything swirling inside of them—so try not to pile on extra pressure for them to “figure it out.”
After your child tells the world that they are nonbinary, they may want to start affirming that identity both inside and outside of school. For example, Jones shares that after her son came out as nonbinary, he wanted to change his name at school. “I went to the school secretary, and I said, ‘My son wants to change his name. What do I need to do to make that happen?’ And she said, ‘No problem, as long as the parents say it's okay. The parent has to approve it,’” she says.
Not every ask to the school district or sports teams will be that easy, however. Depending on your state of residence, it may be more challenging to get your teen on the softball team they want to join, for example. Your teen will likely need your help with paperwork and advocacy to get them to where they want to be, so let them know you’re willing to do the necessary work.
“A child's health and well-being is of paramount importance,” says Jones. “I remember talking to our pediatrician early on because I wanted to make sure to let our pediatrician know that our child was going through this.” In Jones’ case, the pediatrician recommended a specific doctor to shepherd her son’s care. But again, this may not be the case for you, depending on the situation and state.
Your local PFLAG chapter may also be able to point you in the right direction of doctors willing to support your child’s identity.
While not all nonbinary people wear a binder, a garment designed to flatten the chest, your child may want one. Finding a comfortable binder requires a lot of trial and error, according to Jones, so be patient as your child searches for one.
Point of Pride and Rainbow Pride Youth Alliance provide free chest binders to people who qualify.
Once more (because it’s so important), make sure your teenager knows about resources like The Trevor Project and 988. They can also find community via their local PFLG chapter, LGBTQIA clubs at school, or online communities.
Remember: A simple “How are you doing right now?” can go a long way. Let your teen know that you’re right here and available to be a sounding board.
As you walk your teen through this process, make sure you have compassion for your own experience as well. “Family members are bound to make mistakes occasionally, messing up when it comes to using the appropriate pronouns or names. Try to have patience and self-compassion. Extend grace to yourself and your family while also affirming your child's truth.”
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