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Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, CDCES, MBA
by Kells McPhillips
As a parent, you may feel like it’s your job to create and enforce strong social media boundaries that protect your teen’s mental health while also encouraging them to connect with their friends, network, and communities online. The question is: How do you do both?
Teen social media is on many parents’ minds. Research shows that about 47 percent of parents fear that social media is causing anxiety and depression in their teens, while 28 percent believe that apps like Instagram, Facebook, and TikTok are lowering their child’s self-esteem. In short, you’re not alone in your concerns.
“What is important to remember is that social media is not a 100 percent positive or negative thing,” says Wendy Kovacs Cortes, PhD, LMFT, a clinical fellow at Adler University. “It encompasses benefits and risks.” Since your child’s relationship with the online world is a nuanced topic, it deserves a careful, research-forward conversation. So set up a time that works for them, put your phones away, and talk.
“A good conversation for youth can be about why they are using social media, how the sites they visit make them feel, and what persona they are presenting while online,” says Dr. Cortes. “This can help adults and youth find compromises about social media use and positive uses of social media for the youth. It also provides the opportunity to consider what is healthy usage.”
Here are some opening questions to get the conversation started:
• How many minutes or hours do you use social media per day?
• How do you feel after spending time on social media?
• What social media sites/experiences make you feel connected and joyful? What social media sites/experiences make you feel stressed or sad?
• Who are you on social media? How does your personality change from platform to platform?
After your teen shares their own social media presence, affirm their journey with research. For example, if your teen says they feel stressed and anxious after spending time on Instagram at night, you can let them know that social media breaks may improve mental health and may improve sleep quality. “Screens, in general, and social media, more specifically, can be addicting. Social media is designed to hook people in and keep them scrolling, and teens developmentally crave social validation,” says Dr. Cortes.
At the same time, you can also second the positive aspects they share about social media, such as feeling “in the loop” about the goings-on of their friend group and being up-to-date on current events. “Many youth feel that they need to be connected to peers at all times, both for fear of missing out or losing social status and also to provide support to friends who may be struggling,” says Dr. Cortes. “Adults need to discuss the impact of these thoughts when setting boundaries with youth and determine how to manage these concerns.”
Throughout the conversation, emphasize that social media can be two things at once: harmful and useful. And that the objective of creating social media boundaries is to experience more of that usefulness and less of that harmfulness.
Next, collaborate with your child to create boundaries that make sense for your family. “Parents should set overall time limits and boundaries about when screens can be used,” says Dr. Cortes. “If phones are not allowed at certain times, then everyone should put the screens away, not just the youth. Social media does not have a natural stopping point (like the end of a show or movie), so it is easy to lose track of time.”
About 60 percent of parents have checked their teen's social media profiles. Consider whether this practice makes sense for your family, and let your teen know that you plan to check in on their social media presence occasionally. “Youth who know that adults are checking on their online activity are significantly less likely to bully and seek means to suicidality than those who are not supervised online,” explains Dr. Cortes. “Adults should discuss with youth what they are looking at and following online and how concerns will be addressed if they arise.”
Social media boundaries should be an ongoing, iterative process with your teenager. Don’t be afraid to schedule check-ins every few weeks or months to assess how the boundaries are working. If something’s not working, adjust those time limits and trust that, eventually, you and your teenager will come to an agreement that supports their mental well-being.
Calm Health is not intended to diagnose or treat depression, anxiety, or any other mental or physical health condition. The use of Calm Health is not a substitute for care by a physician or other health care provider. Any questions that you may have regarding the diagnosis, care, or treatment of a health condition should be directed to your physician or health care provider. Calm Health is a mental wellness product.
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