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Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, CDCES, MBA
By Kells McPhillips
Retirement may bring mixed feelings: excitement, fear, anticipation, stress, and more. It can be a tremendous relief to navigate these emotions with a partner by your side. But if you find that your relationship starts to shift once your nine-to-fives are no longer part of your routine, know that, with some planning, this next evolution of your partnership can be the best one yet.
According to retirement counselor Dee Cascio, LMFT, preparation and communication are the two pillars of a successful transition to retirement. Below, she shares why retirement can shake up a long-term relationship, how to plan ahead for the 67th year of your life, and the topics that need to be discussed before you celebrate your last day in the workforce.
Money, or lack thereof, is one of the most common culprits of stress in America. And post-retirement, when you and your partner are no longer earning as steady an income, that stress can be exacerbated. “This can cause conflict for couples, especially if one is more conservative financially and the other one doesn't have a good handle on how much money is there really to use,” says Cascio. That’s why talking about money—how much you have, how you’re going to spend it, and what you want to squirrel away for emergencies—is so important.
The questions you and your partner may want to discuss include:
1. How much, in total, can we afford to spend each month?
2. How much money should we set aside for unforeseen health emergencies such as hospital visits or long-term palliative care?
3. Do we want to leave anything for our children/grandchildren? If so, what and for whom?
4. How much money should we set aside for travel and special activities like eating out or seeing shows?
5. What’s the cap on “fun spending” for things like clothes, books, and decorations?
Financial planning for couples before retirement can reduce stress and conflict later on. But remember, this isn’t a one-time conversation; it’s one you should have again and again.
Retirement may shake up who takes responsibility for what task. For example, maybe you and your partner were splitting up tasks like grocery shopping, cooking, and cleaning when you both worked full-time. However, after you retire, you find yourself picking up extra household tasks.
If this shift happens without discussion, you may start to resent your partner. "The honey-do list can start to sound like, ‘You're retired, so you can do all these things around the house.’ And meanwhile, this person may have other plans. They're certainly happy to help, but they might have other things on their list that they want to explore and pursue,” says Cascio.
Taking time to discuss how the honey-do list will be divided post-retirement will keep resentment from growing in your relationship. Maybe you take on cooking dinner, but your partner keeps their existing cleaning duties—or you find some other arrangement that works for you.
Time to yourself can feel hard to come by in your retirement. With no workplace left to go to, you may end up spending 24/7 with someone you used to only see a few hours a day. Discussing when you’re going to be together (and when you’re going to strike out on your own) can protect your relationship—especially when you’re still getting accustomed to your new, retired life.
“There's your retirement, my retirement, and then our retirement,” says Cascio. “Decide the things you're going to do together and the things you’re going to do alone.” Maybe, for instance, you and your partner decide that you’re going to do your daily exercise separately but meet up for lunch and dinner. Maybe you love time to yourself, so you decide to take solo weekend trips while your partner spends time with friends.
Come up with a system that works for both of you—and check in every once in a while to protect those three retirements (yours, mine, and ours).
It’s emotionally draining to discuss the potential of a future without your partner. And yet, planning end-of-life care, funeral arrangements, and final wishes will alleviate the stress that your significant other may feel if one of you passes away. Talking about death is actually a way of caring for one another (as challenging as it may feel in the moment).
Dee recommends starting conversations about retirement at least five years in advance of retirement. (Financial retirement planning should begin decades earlier, of course, but at the five-year mark, you should start to hammer out the details of what you want the next stage of your life to look like.)
Beginning your plans too late may mean that the two of you are operating from a place of anxiety, fear, and urgency rather than really considering what you both want. “If you start thinking about retirement early, it's on your mind. So you can decide something and then modify it six months later. A year later,” Cascio says.
For example, maybe you and your partner initially decide to move somewhere warmer in retirement, but after a year or two of thought, you realize that being close to your children is what’s actually most important to you.
All of this said, it’s never too late to start a conversation about what you want from a “yours, mine, and ours” retirement. So sit down with your partner and start talking.
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